This is from my series on Optimizing Communication.
There’s a great scene in Born on the Fourth of July, Oliver Stone’s second film on Vietnam. (WARNING: SPOILERS) Tom Cruise’s character has been told that the Viet Cong are moving into the area. His commanding officer then asks him if he sees their rifles. The pressure is palpable.
“Look out there, Sergeant.
Can you see them?
Right there. You see them?
They got rifles.
Can you see the rifles?
Right there. You see them?
You see them?
Can you see the rifles?”
How many times does he ask?! The camera quickly pans back and forth. We see nothing and neither does Tom Cruise but we’re under pressure and an authority figure is telling us they’re there. What would you say?
Tom Cruise responds as many of us would: “Yes, sir. Yes, sir.” An American soldier starts shooting. Then more start shooting.
Uh-oh. Did they at least take out some enemy soldiers? We don’t have a good feeling. The shit is fucked up. It’s Vietnam after all.
Tom and co. go to investigate.
Turns out there’s nothing waiting for them in the hut they shot up but dead and grossly wounded villagers, mostly women and children.
“We got beaucoup wounded. Civilians.”
“We wasted them. Motherfucker! We wasted them!”
“Where are the rifles? Where are the rifles?”
“There ain’t no fucking rifles.”
What lessons can we take from this? Most of us live a fortunate enough life. If we fuck up, the consequences are way more benign than mutilation or murder.
But consider this situation. You have a teenage daughter, and she has a boyfriend, so they’re probably having sex. You want to make sure they’re using protection, so you ask, “You’re using condoms, right?” What are they supposed to say to that? They know that any answer except, “Yes, Mom!” will lead to you getting upset. So they say, “Yes, Mom!” and move on with their day. While it may be true that your kid should be practicing safe sex, the way you phrased the question isn’t conducive to getting an accurate answer.
What can you do about this? Consider asking questions in a broader or less specific way. Instead of asking the kid, “Are you using condoms?” ask what safe sex practices they’re using. After you’ve gone broad and heard what they had to say, you can go into more specific questions if that’s important.
If you feel like being tricksy, you can assume the worst-case scenario (like assuming the sale) where you make it the default or act like you already know. “Why aren’t you using condoms? He doesn’t want to?” This is counterintuitive because it’s even more specific and assumes something but because it’s assuming the worst-case scenario, the kid can talk more freely if it happens to be the case. If it’s not, it’s more casual or less consequential to say the actual truth. “We do actually use condoms.”
Also, don’t be afraid to press. Most people will fold and admit they only use condoms “sometimes”.
Let’s say you’re at a restaurant, and you’re trying to decide if you want fries for an appetizer. But fancy fries often have truffle oil on them and you really dislike truffle oil. If you ask the waiter, “Do the fries have truffle oil on them?” he’ll answer yes or no to the best of his knowledge, but he may be wrong. However, if you say, “Do the fries have truffle oil on them? I’m allergic to truffle oil.” he will find out for sure if the fries have truffle oil or not, maybe even double-checking with the chef, because the restaurant doesn’t want anyone to have an allergic reaction.
It’s been said that the way to see if a server got your drink is to ask if it’s the wrong one. So if you ordered a Coke and they bring out a dark soda, you ask “Is this Diet?” and see what they say. If they say yes, maybe they really thought you ordered a Diet, or they are just incompetent and are answering in the affirmative. If they say, “No, it’s a Coke. Did you want a Diet?” then it’s likely you’re getting what you ordered.
But what about this case? You’re a doctor and you need to get a patient history. Instead of asking a patient the specific question “Do you feel a tingling sensation in your foot?” you ask them the broad question “Do you feel any discomfort?” I can already hear the doctors laughing at me. In the real world, you’re slammed with 20 patients and are running on 3 hours of sleep. Some patients love to ramble and will tell you their whole life story if you let them. If you always asked broad questions, you’d never complete a patient history, let alone get through the rest of your patients. While it might be great for them if you spent hours listening, it’s not optimal in a utilitarian sense.
That’s why it’s important to know your goals and the stakes. If you’re a project manager and trying to figure out what went wrong and why your team didn’t get it done, are you actually trying to find out why Jim didn’t get it done or are you just trying to come up with an acceptable answer for your own boss? Do you already dislike Jim and are trying to find any reason to fire him?
What is your goal? (And of course, knowing your terminal values is *always* important: https://www.johncgreer.com/the-three-buckets/)
- Are you actually looking for information to act on? Are you avoiding motivated reasoning and confirmation bias?
- Do you just want someone to rubber-stamp something?
- Are you not 100% positive and wanting to double-check?
- How important is having the right answer to this? How big are the stakes?
If you already know the answer, ask yourself why you’re asking them for their opinion.
- Are you actually trying to teach them the information using the Socratic method?
- Are you trying to gauge their level of understanding?
- Are you trying to show off how smart or “right” you are?
So don’t be like the Lieutenant in Born on the Fourth of July. Be aware of the incentives you’re operating under and the incentives you’re putting out. Otherwise, there’ll be consequences ranging from mild inconvenience to beaucoup wounded and dead.
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