We’re a bit nervous to share this publicly but we’re taking the plunge: Adriana, Kelsey, and I are all in a polyamorous relationship.
For many of you, this will not be news. It’s been kind of an open secret.
For some of you, it will have confirmed your suspicions. “They sure are close with Kelsey…” you thought to yourself.
For others, it will be a shock.
I’ll try to answer the most common questions we get:
What the hell is polyamory?
There’s an umbrella term called “ethical non-monogamy” (ENM), which is exactly what it sounds like. ENM is where you’re not monogamous but your partner(s) know and are okay with it. There are many iterations underneath this big umbrella, e.g. swinging, open relationships, and polyamory. Plenty of people do *non*-ethical non-monogamy, aka cheating, which is obviously not what I’m talking about.
Polyamory is where all partners involved are open to being in more than one romantic relationship at the same time. (Cue the elevator straight to hell!) This is contrasted with something like an open relationship where you’re allowed to have sex with other people but not a full-on relationship.
What does your relationship look like?
We are in a “triad” or “throuple”, which means that we are all three equal partners with one another.
Some people are in “Vs”, for example if Adri were dating Kelsey and me, but Kelsey and I weren’t dating each other, that would be a V.
It’s important to note that even though we’re in a triad, each of us has our own relationship. Adri and I have our own relationship. Adri and Kelsey have their own relationship. Kelsey and I have our own relationship. And all three of us have our own relationship.
But you don’t look like poly people!
Most people share the beliefs of their tribe. So someone who rides a Harley is more likely to be a conservative, and someone who drinks kombucha is more likely to be liberal, even though those beliefs and interests don’t logically relate to each other.
We’re special snowflakes who try to rationally navigate the world. Just because we’re poly doesn’t mean we hold the same views or have a lot of overlapping culture with most polyamorous people. You may notice we don’t have dyed hair or tattoos, and that we don’t live in a commune in Portland. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
How long have you been together?
Adri and I celebrated our ten-year anniversary this past year and we’ve all been a triad for five years now.
Do you all live together?
Yes, but we didn’t always. Kelsey moved in with us when the pandemic started. Her lease was up in Boston and with COVID and everything else we felt it was best to all live in the same place. It’s been great.
Do you all sleep in the same bed?
No. Adri and I sleep together and Kelsey sleeps in her own room. This is in part by default and in part because of certain constraints.
I know other polyamorous people who all share a bed, but we never could. I run hot and Adri runs cold, I snore, Kelsey is a light sleeper, etc. Not to mention the most important thing – the person in the middle would be trapped and unable to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I actually think there are good arguments that people sleep better individually, which is probably something we will try when we have more space.
What about jealousy?
I think jealousy is partially due to natural temperament and partially due to issues that need to be worked out.
We all get jealous to varying degrees but the old chestnut of good communication and a solid underlying relationship really makes it not an overarching problem.
Do you think polyamory is for everyone?
No, I think what Dan Savage calls “monogamish” is what would be best for most people. Or at least monogamish-lite.
Monogamish is where you’re mostly monogamous but occasionally have sexual experiences with others.
At the very least I think it’s best to work through issues surrounding jealousy, and to be realistic and honest about how attraction to others doesn’t magically turn off when you’re in a relationship.
Do you think poly people should be able to get married? Do you think the government and religious organizations should support it?
It’s complicated. I used to support gay marriage. Then I had a radical genderqueer professor in college who pointed out that it’s the wrong fight — the government shouldn’t be sanctioning any relationships. (The government shouldn’t exist at all, but that’s a topic for another post!)
So I think anyone should be able to get “married” in the sense that they can do whatever they want privately. But I don’t believe in forcing religious institutions into supporting things like gay marriage. (Another topic for another post, but I think people shouldn’t be religious in the first place.)
We may get married for pragmatic reasons (have to play the game): legal rights, ease of navigating medical/hospital situations, etc.
Other Questions?
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John, you are a great writer! Have you ever thought of writing a book?
Thanks, Corinne! I did NaNoWriMo last year and have a very, very rough draft that I need to edit but I’m hoping to finish a better draft soon!